Why I continue to write shit?

Because I can?

Lol.

What is everyone up to? Update me! It has been a while!

Time

I need time. I need time to breathe. I need time to squeeze my 9-6 life with family, friends and film aspirations in one block. I need to time to read, reminisce and simply enjoy.

Fear

Pathological fear can be corrosive. You wanna know why?

I'll tell you why.

I don't know why.

Words.

They can have a profoundddd affect on you. When I was 7, my father told me that words can either break you or make you… that words can end or start a beautiful relationship. That words big or small carried their own energy, so think before you speak…or don’t speak at all.

He passed away a couple of years later, and it’s today that I realize, he could not have been more correct. Your words come and haunt you…especially the bitter ones, they feel like a nasty whiplash on your bare back. And the sweet ones feel like fresh honey drops and that’s the difference. Today the latter happened, and it could not have been sweeter.

My dear father may have passed but his words stay with me; words that he penned and the ones that he didn’t. Words that he lectured with and the words that he advised with.

Words.

I love you, abbu. But this year, I miss you more than your words.

23 and Free

Hi!

My name is Aleena, and i am Twenty-Three
I like to think i have no boundries and i am free

But that's a lie i tell myself, to retain my sanity
So that there's a bit of clarity

I want to have fun for as long as i can
Because time is running by and i'm getting a tan

I like to expand my cognitive mind to it's maximum potential, son
And i know it's easier said than done

Although i love making chai for me
Soon there will be a plus one and three

Although that scares me,
But i hope it's when i'm not twenty-three yet still free

I hope i get to live and follow my passion,
And not get forced to pick the latest fashion

I hope my kids don't have to put up with things i had to
I'm gonna make sure, i'm the best mother who puts them bed to

But who knows, i just might end up with a crazy career in writing
But for that i'm going to need a lot of strenght to continue fighting

For now, if i do give up and flee
Just remember i was once twenty-three
Thinking that i was free

:)

I run-What's your superpower

I'm going to stop now...

It's okay to have one bad day or even screw up. But when it becomes a habit, it becomes slightlyyyy worrisome. I get irritated and frustrated by little things, like unfairness, unjust treatment of ordinary people that sometimes clams me up, but it's also things like labeling others. How do I deal with this? I can stand up, but i want to know if it would actually make a difference.

My behaviour really surprises me sometimes, I mean my entire life, due to the life experiences that I have had, and the kind of people I have dealt with...you would think that I would've gotten use to this by now... but i haven't

Cluless recluse

Yes, it's been 6 months. Yes, we haven't been talking. But the part that really makes me L.O.L is when I end giving pretentious advice to newbie heartbreaks. But you know what has really happened due to this whole, "not being in a thing that makes no sense and is a nonsense thing?" is that i feel like i see life slightly clearer now. I pay attention to myself. That constant headache that i'm hiding something is gone, or that guilt that i was constantly made to feel everyday about 'not caring enough' isn't there. After all, I am 23. I change on a daily basis. There are new interpretations, new lessons learned everyday for me. I am as clueless as one can be. I am easily fascinated by the little things in life and yes i've had really weird phases...phases of crying all the time, to trusting weird people, being paranoid and just being in plain fits of laughter.

I feel like now i have the time to do shit, I actually like/enjoy, for example, annoying people. oogling at strangers, mimicking kids and similar stuff, y'know?

To Graduate or Not to Graduate-THAT is the question

I pose this question in the hopes that i would feel slightly better about myself.

(1)

She looks up at him with red puffy eyes, wearing his bathroom slippers she takes a drag off her last cigarette. He just stares at her, what a spectacle she had become...she was taking multiple drags off of the last stick of candle that was left on the dining room table. But he had to act along. If she wanted this candle to be a cigarette, then so be it. Pretence was a new world to him, and he was just getting the hang of it. There had been no electricity since 3 days which felt like forever.

They had been fighting earlier. He had been chasing after her. She was sick, but how could he leave her...or could he? He tried to shake off these uncertain feelings, he definitely loved her. He just wasn't sure if she loved him back. In all this delusional world of hers, what if she...forgets him or had she already?

She never used to smoke in the first place, but like all random things she ever did, she wished to take off a puff from an old candle lying down. There she was chewing on to the end of the candle, like it was a cigarette.

Don't I look french, love?, she says with those sparkling eyes while clutching her bathrobe with her right hand. She had become kind of nervous all the time, twitching and squeezing stuff, digging nails on her waist at times... this was the new her. 

He heaves a deep sigh and sits across from her, no matter what she did or would turn into, she would always be beautiful and pretty to him..

He thought back to the time, when it all had started....and how it started..would things be different if he had..

I'm sorry Peshawer 16.12.14 #PeshawerAttack

Speechless.

I honestly don't know what to say. Other than the fact that i am really really sorry Peshawer. I'm sorry that you had to go through something as horrifying as that. I'm sorry that you lost your children, friends and loved ones to TTP's heinous act. I'm sorry that you have to see disturbing images on TV and in newspapers.

The Social Media Forums have turned into Debate 101, and i apologize for that. I cannot tell you how sorry i am. I speak for myself only when i say, the Peshawer Massacre has not just angered me, it had made me think constantly for ...solutions for... cures for... anything. I wish there was some way to take it all back. Undo it. 

I apologize if the Vigils annoy you. But i know, they are being held by ppl with the best of intent.

I know, what Taliban did, was not an action to stop education but a revenge for the Military Operation Zarb-e-Azb.  I apologize for being an ignorant civilian. I apologize for a crappy government. I apologize for everything. 

I wish i knew exactly who was to be blamed for what, but i barely know anything about Politics.
All I know is that Musharraf's blaming RAW, USA and Turks while Shareef and Khan are having their own talks about God knows what. I know, many Army Public School survivors wish to enlist in the army to avenge the death of their friends...and the angst they must be filled with...is i'm sure too much to fathom. 

I don't know what to say. Just that i'm incrdibly sorry. 

Hazrat Umar said during his khilafat : "If a dog dies hungry on the banks of the River Euphrates, Umar will be responsible for dereliction of duty." 

And that is, what Mr Shareef should remember for eternity!

Reminiscing!

I quit today, this is how i am spending my entire weekend :D

ILOVETHISSHOW

Maybe, just maybe.

Is it wrong to not hate Satan?
Do we HAVE to hate?
Can't we just be accepting?
Maybe Satan was a fat girl with major self esteem issues in middle school?
Maybe Satan was the skinny boy who got picked on by the bullies?
Maybe Satan had a stutter
Maybe.. maybe Satan lost someone and never learnt how to deal with it in a healthy way?
Maybe Satan was a writer, or actor, or director who never got a break
Maybe Satan was the baby in the trash can
Maybe Satan was the geek everyone hated
Maybe just maybe he wanted to have friends, friends who liked him...
Do we HAVE to hate?
Why not give him acceptance, love and kindness?

Does it make you understand Satan a wee bit? Does it not make you understand people a wee bit? 

11 Things you face if you're a female film student in Pakistan

1. You NEVER have enough money to make your perfect film
2. If you are a girl, your priorities mean that you must master how to make a chappati first and then maybe how to work that light metre
3. You friends (who are also film-makers) will try and pull a Terrance Mallick.  Yup it's a thing [There's always that guy in class coming up with surrealistic shit]
4. People never expect you to write dark shit about..well...dark shit
5. Your male teachers will always be cynical to your ideas/appearance/existence/everything
6. You have restrictions and if you don't then you never have the right equipment
7. People try to motivate you by saying "Just start small. Do anything. Look at me, i started from nothing and look where i am" a little FYI. Starting from a 5D Mark III is not small. So eff off.
8. If you are the best writer in your class, you can expect your friends to ask you to write even their names on the answer sheet. It's a thing. People just unload stuff on you. It's annoying.
9. If people see you lift heavy equipment, like 250 W lights/Light stands/Set planks/Anything they will pass remarks like you're strong for a girl, what do you eat yaar, ammi nay aj parathay banaye thay? Are you seeing someone?. The last one is always thrown off no matter what the situation
10. You're always asked to act as everyone in your friends' films. Mother, Daughter, Heroine, Vamp, Teacher, Doctor, Psycho. And oh, people expect you to be a great actor. They just do. They don't care about you being camera-shy.
11. Last but not the least because you cry together..laugh together. You make friends. You make enemies. You make frenemies. You make best frenemies. It happens. It's a thing.

P.S If it sounds sexist or if you don't agree with me. Just know..that i dont give a shit. :)

Cheers,
Al

The 9-5 Life

That moment when life happens. [Sorry, i just like saying writing random shiz]
Every time that I come to blog here is never how i really imagine it to be when im not blogging.

Life is not what it used to be. Every person who probably works 9-5 may relate to the following:

1) You dont have a life

2) You have forgotten what your friends look like

3) Your 9-5 job is never really a 9-5 job

4) Your family thinks you don't really work

5) [If you're a girl] Things you get to hear when you reach home after a killer day at work

"Chalo you've had all your enjoyment for the day, ab ghar kay bhee kuch kaam karlo"

6) By the time you get home, and reply to friends who have been texting you all day, you send a mass text to everyone saying, "yeah sure, lets go to this [insert name of a place recently opened up] soon, miss you, blah blah" which never happens

7) The Jane Fonda fitness routine you always wanted to follow through... never happens

8) All the books you bought at Sunday Bazaar, lie on a shelf with a thick coat of dust over 'em

9) All the movies you downloaded remain unwatched until you find an hour to just watch ANYTHING, SOMETHING? The Movie Marathon you wished you had with your only bfff who lives super close, never ends up happening :(

10) You miss being a kid :'(

11) You wish you were paid more

12) You wish you could clone yourself to be at two places at once

12) You wish for a better phone, an even better laptop and/or an even better tablet or just better poop!

13) You just keep wishing.

Hittin' it down & low

You know you have the lowest of the low, when you're remaking the same bucket list ,that you made in 2007.

I need to visit the Sunday Market soon. I do. Life poopz. I went to a local Gym recently. It was one of those promises..."Lose weight in 2010" that I had made to myself, I guess it was about time to work on that.

How would I rate the Gym? Well it's made really nicely. The trainers there seem to be pretty okay-ish (ahem) too. I'll give it a 6.5

I don't know if it's a childish thing if I still blog, but I do.

Work is fun, I like it. I've taken an oath to never teach again. Although I was getting extremely lucrative offers. But it felt like, it was time that I stopped coming home exhausted, tired, unhappy and pissed.

The view from the office is nice. I wish I could share. I have so much to share...which I will, in the next post.

Till then, tc :)

Unchained Melody

The last time i blogged was probably ages ago. A lot has happened since then. To say a few, i lost a close friend. 10th feb 2014.

RIP you. RIP.
 

Hola Back?

Hello fellow bloggers,

Some of you might be thinking that i might have stopped posting/blogging. 'Tis not so. You see, i changed my URL a long time ago because of this ugly typo i made. *shudders*. And since i have been posting, it is annoying not to get any comments on whatever that i post/write about. So, here's a leeeetle request from moi. Imma change my URL to http://cumbersome-me.blogspot.com/ and that way you can unfollow me and then follow me. 

Much Love,

Al 

I Cry

And i cry because it hurts that much.
And i cry because i feel so dead.
And i cry because maybe i'm late to my own funeral.
And i cry because my God wont respond to me.
And i cry because there's no fire in my belly anymore.
And i cry because there is despair, depression and no hope around me.
And i cry. . .

And i cry because there's no love around me
And i cry because no matter what you're never right. Never.
And i cry because i'm a nobody.
And i cry because maybe they were right.
And i cry because the passion's gone.
And i cry because life's too fucking short.
And i cry. . .

There's something.

I don't remember the last time i was soo... lost? Yeap, lost.

I think sometimes the only normal thing that i ever end up doing is going to school. But i have a crazy brain, i need a lot on my plate to keep myself busy. A full load of work, for me to function normally. Most of the times i just want to lie in my bed, and calm down and rest and just not think about shit. But i don't. Probably because i wasn't built this way. Or as Ms Lady GaGa Put it i wasn't "Born This Way.

They tell me you think too much, i probably do. But too much thinking can be hazardous. But ive learnt so many lessons. I have. How do you trust someone all over again? How do you do that? How does one do that?

How does one respond to "How are things with you?" HOW?

That numb feeling is still there. Can't get rid of it. Can't. How does one do that, even? I want to go off in a sleeping mode and when i wake up i just want things to be normal. Please, God? Please? just once.