Hola Back?

Hello fellow bloggers,

Some of you might be thinking that i might have stopped posting/blogging. 'Tis not so. You see, i changed my URL a long time ago because of this ugly typo i made. *shudders*. And since i have been posting, it is annoying not to get any comments on whatever that i post/write about. So, here's a leeeetle request from moi. Imma change my URL to http://cumbersome-me.blogspot.com/ and that way you can unfollow me and then follow me. 

Much Love,

Al 

I Cry

And i cry because it hurts that much.
And i cry because i feel so dead.
And i cry because maybe i'm late to my own funeral.
And i cry because my God wont respond to me.
And i cry because there's no fire in my belly anymore.
And i cry because there is despair, depression and no hope around me.
And i cry. . .

And i cry because there's no love around me
And i cry because no matter what you're never right. Never.
And i cry because i'm a nobody.
And i cry because maybe they were right.
And i cry because the passion's gone.
And i cry because life's too fucking short.
And i cry. . .

There's something.

I don't remember the last time i was soo... lost? Yeap, lost.

I think sometimes the only normal thing that i ever end up doing is going to school. But i have a crazy brain, i need a lot on my plate to keep myself busy. A full load of work, for me to function normally. Most of the times i just want to lie in my bed, and calm down and rest and just not think about shit. But i don't. Probably because i wasn't built this way. Or as Ms Lady GaGa Put it i wasn't "Born This Way.

They tell me you think too much, i probably do. But too much thinking can be hazardous. But ive learnt so many lessons. I have. How do you trust someone all over again? How do you do that? How does one do that?

How does one respond to "How are things with you?" HOW?

That numb feeling is still there. Can't get rid of it. Can't. How does one do that, even? I want to go off in a sleeping mode and when i wake up i just want things to be normal. Please, God? Please? just once.

Lights will guide you home...

I've been wanting to write forever now but i guess i had no 'real' motive to. You know.. that.. kind that emotional kind of motive.. one that suddenly pours your heart and soul of sudden strange feelings and you know that you just need to get those out.

I don't know..i mean one minute i'll feel like a frog and the next i'll be this porcupine with those sharp thingies pointing at you. But i guess that's everyone at my age (just an assumption). My school's starting from the 5th now, and two months ago i clearly remember signing a slip that said "Dear all, yaddi yaddi yada... therefore school will re-open on the 12th of August" I mean i had plans of 'nothing to do' in the now not so blessed future two weeks ahead of me. Sigh, screw you school authorities. I am in no mood to teach or more so deal with the impending drama awaiting my arrival.

Right now, i have a bad case of sniffles and a sore throat... which is good and bad.  Good; because i dont have to bother talking to ppl about irrelevant things and bad because most friends of mine have forgotten what i sound like. :( #TheLife

But over all Summer wasn't so bad, i made a friend recently who literally forced me out of the house everyday..and you know how parents get when things like that happen, "kaun hai? kaisi hai? kya karti hai woh?" I mean dude? Had hoti hai -_- But i guess it's their job or whatever.

It's that time of the summer, when people are leaving. My best of friends did not come this summer, which was slightly heartbreaking; more for them i'm guessing cuz they have their whole families here. In other news my film school might not be continuing, i mean that's a first- at least for me. While life goes on.. i cant help but think about all the money that i put in to it.

Im reading a Danielle Steel novel right now, called "Now and Forever"...it's about a husband and wife who face first world problems and don't know how to deal with it -_- I mean "yawr like kaisay kartay how aap yawr" Still, a good read and obviously better than Twilight!

My sister's getting married in October, same time i'll turn 22. Maynn i don't feel so old :/ (I hope to stop sneezing, seriously). Can't wait for Ramazan to end, it's making me incredibly weak and my fat pay check.

..Colplay's making so much sense right about now.. dayum

Cheers,
more later!

Summer's here?

I think feelings are like your skin, they eventually peel off. Whether its love, hate, anger, disappointment or even happiness. They always peel off and similar to skin, they are replaced by new ones, love is soon replaced by hate or sometimes even nothingness. I feel like i have been lying in this pool of nothingness for the longest time now. It's not the best and its not the worst. It makes you feel.... nothing. Can't complain.

Right now, if i want, i can totally get out if bed, make a list of things to do this summer, work on my short term and long term goals and achieve something. But i am so tired right now. I am. Not exhausted, but im just so sick of being this money minting machine that the entire thing has become redundant, monotonous and boring really. Its almost been a week since i got off work and i spent all that time with ppl who i promised hanging out with. I felt like it was a debt i was paying off. And these are real, actual people that i am talking about, and as i met them i kept on doing that imaginary calculation thing in my head that my mom does when she's buying her groceries. (ohmygod i get it from ma.). So it was pretty much like

1 xwz
2  pqr
3 shkkd
4 mmll and lsks
5 opbnek
6 joxk, ankd, ajkdd's baby

No.5 and No.6 are friends who are leaving soon. So there's another formality there.

Yipee. Here's to Summer 2013!

Cheers

Yes, Man!

This past year was filled with me facing my past ghosts; ones i feared hated me, loathed me or worse had forgotten me. But i put up a strong face and i met them, each one of them. Still, i have not become the person i would want to be. I still get awed by people and their coolness and i end up doing the wrong kind of things. Like that lead actress in good fellas.  I wish i had a friend like me, who'd give me some sane, rational advice. Perhaps a future me? Because honestly on the account of not listening to any gibberish advice from people my age i have completely stopped opening my little big yap of a mouth. Is that bad? Is that normal? Is it ok?

Also, on the occasion of listening to people talking about how i am so judgmental i have decided to conquer those feelings and lay in bed and hangout with not so cool people. And Say Yes!

So here i am, saying yes. Yes to life, to people, to new endeavors, to new sweet memories!

Also it's zoya's birthday on Monday. I wish i could do alot. I really do.

Now Listening to

Moby - Moby - Sailin' On

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Because i had to

Dear Altaf Bhai,

You are the best, you are. Unlike the other idiots. I am not going to be ungrateful and not give you credit for what you have done for us. I moved, where i am 4 years ago and life could not have been so..better?  I mean i live amidst the MQM sector. Where there's this life size portrait of yours hanging on every gali-a reminder that you're watching us. (Aww) I asked the dukaan wala(also a MQM supporter) if i could have mine hung there. He stared at me for the longest time.

Anyway i love how i pay for an invisible barrier that does not exist. I love how you like playing with our psyche like that *winkwink* I feel safe. And i know for a fact that if i dont, then, well.. my Liana has already lost wayy too much. And i honestly do not want her to suffer any more. Our car has been serviced 3-4 times thanks to you. Maybe the rear view mirrors were stolen (by namaloom afraad) as a reminder to get it serviced? it was a hefty price. But thank you really. What would we do without you?

The highlight of the last year however was when we were robbed. Apparently the robbers told us, they had no say in this matter and there were "baray loag" involved.  It is hard not to agree with four men holding a gun to your mom's forehead but you know what? It made me stronger. I mean sure, my 12 year old brothers were shit scared for the longest time. But mann, us wusses, we needed it. I mean your beautiful goons did ask us to take our clothes off if we didn't adhere to their wishes. And last night i saw your rally leave my area going off to teen talwar. And all i could do, was pray and be steadfast.  So, thank you for everything. You are a constant reminder of how i am so powerless.

Seriously,
much love,
Me (:

Eesa

It's Eesa's Birthday tomorrow, i have decided to get him pink cupcakes-because they're his favorite. Eesa has become one of the closest thing that i have to a friend in the past couple of months. We HAVE to spend time together every morning for half an hour at least until his mother finally decides to drop him at his day care. :)

Eesa and i watch Disney Clubhouse everyday. He loves Mickey Mouse for reasons known to him and his 3 year old mind only. What's fascinating about Eesa, is his  enthusiasm, quirkiness and cuteness.

Eesa makes me want to be young again. he makes me want to be a child and have fun again. I like how the only thing that he is concerned about is coloring, painting or even pasting. I want to be that, feel that, be irresponsible, crazy and funky like i used to be.

But it's all just so, assdlwmlkkdpl now. Argh. #sadness

Wtf

I don't know why people categorize people the way they do. I mean, just because you have something to do with the Tv or Film industry does not mean that you are fake or plastic or a liar!And it does not mean that it's a requirement either! Ppl get seuuuuhh competitive -__- And just becasue somebody's a lawyer does not AT ALL mean that they'll sell their own souls or will have a cutthroat attitude as long as you're paying them! I happen to know some kickass humane lawyers  and some in the making, so suck it! And just because someone's a doctor does not mean they they're cold and it doesn't affect them when people die right infront of them! I mean, how would you know?!?! Massive stereotyoping.. tsk tsk you guys.. should be ashamed of yoursleves!

the Perks of being a Wallflower

There is nothing more motivating then a little insipiration from your Screenwriting teacher. Goddd she's a workaholic! and i can learn soooo much from her. But it's just that my job and uhh assignments and umm "friend" isues that need to be dealt with the same week that i have my workload. Of course i give my work and assignments preferrance over..well.. everything. 

My routine kiinda sucks. But it's okay. I get asked out, on a moderate level and i refuse on a moderate level. Not because i'm unhappy, judegemental and moody but it's honestly too hard. 

I can't believe im the same chick that my teachers always put 'on-trial' for. Of course, i don't blame them for my amazingly low self esteem. (i totally do) I mean it wasn't there job, right??-.-

Being a teacher i have realized sooo many things. 

1) Male teachers are only hot in movies.

2) The accounts department is biased.

3) There's so little that i have to do to boast the kids' enthusiasm, i mean sure-those little ajeebsters get on my nerves and from time to time i yell like a yeti. But i do make sure that they leave my class on a good note and i always ALWAYS give them a reason why i reprimanded them.

4) Teachers really take this whole coming-to-school-dressed-like-a-queen thAng seriously.

5) I think i might die alone.

Phew. Thats a load off. (temporarily atleast)

Maybe it's weird that i don't have time for my buddies anymore and i'd rather spend my time watching movies/shows and read books/newspapers/blogs rather than hanging out with actual people. But there's something i have realized- it's more important to know thyself than waste your time on person whom you might dislike at alot of levels in the future.

Confession: I read romantic novels and rom-com movies to feel good. I do.

Here's a great movie you can watch. It made no sense to anyone i know. But if you're into good songs, indie movies and you managed to survive "the tree of life" Then this is for ye!

Enjoy, toodles! (:

Karachi.

I honestly do not know how to react to these shennanigans that happen every week. It's sad, and depressing. It's hopeless. I can't do anything about it-that's what really sucks. While growing up, i was told that bad/sad/helpless situations only lasted a while and then they'd go away. But it seems like, they are here to stay. I still feel better knowing that atleast i do remember a childhood with no mass killings, bloodshed and bomblasts. But what about this new generation, what about the way their minds and souls are getting f*d up due to all this. What kind of seriously twisted kids will they grow up to be?

-They don't get to study properly anymore.
-There's something morbid happening every week.

-It's becoming quite mundane actually

-We are all too involved in our own sad worlds to help anyone. 

My Humanities teacher told us to come up with an assignment that represents Karachi. This is what i came up with.

 

Obviously i was pissed when i did this. I described Karachi as the fire on the flag.

I'll still be hopeful though. For this nation, for these people and for so much more. I will not give up. But i wont lie to myself. This is how it is and it will change.

'About Me'- Screenwriting Class

I can bet that people in my family always thought that I probably be the person who just might have a future in making comical bumper stickers. And I would not have blamed them, I consider myself to be the laziest person on this planet however from time to time I do find people who beat me and leave me awestruck (Institute kids) but I really do believe with the hot and cold moods that I have that I am the kind of person who would attend her own wedding wearing a hooded jacket and aviators because simply i was not in the mood.

But that is just one side of me, along with my other million flaws, I am irrational and impulsive and from time to time, my witty remarks can be cutting and most of the time I don’t make sense (thass me). I make a miserable bucket list of sorts every birthday of mine, with a best friend that keeps changing with every season. People at work expect me to socialize and I expect them to work.Either I got the wrong rule book as a kid, or they did. I have been earning since I was 16 and I have known and become accustomed to one and only fact that people always leave and life goes on. I have always strived to be normal throughout my life, but it became hard, as I have moved I think 4 or 5 times and in different parts of the city, never getting time to adjust anywhere and always ready to leave, it makes you a recluse and or you become one by choice but one thing and one thing that always remained there was my dream; filmmaking!

I knew I always wanted to do filmmaking; I have a plan for it, which I keep improvising from time to time. However what genre and what sort is something that always gets me in a fix. But I do have a plan and that is more than enough for me, for now.

Also, I am an extremely superstitious person and I believe in karma more than I believe in Chuck Norris. It would be an understatement for me to say that I am a pessimist person, in my case the glass is not JUST half empty. It is dark, barren, abandoned and even if you pour any solvent into it, it would seep through the ½ inch opening in the center. 

Recently an amazingly dumb person branded me as, (after I showed a probably disturbing image in class), “ being heavily influenced by the media” I really wanted to yell and have a heated up argument with her, one which I knew I would have won. But it wasn’t worth it and I felt too lazy to say anything. After all I am, and whatever that happens in this city does affect me, so I’m sorry that I know people who get their cell phones snatched on a daily basis or that I know IBA graduates who have been sitting at home jobless for years because they don't have credible references or that i knowcountless women while doing community service, who have been deprived of their rights. So, yes i am, i am a person who is extremely influenced by the media, if that is how people categorize it now.. And it is not like i don't want to, but I do want to do something for this hopeless country but please let’s not blind ourselves with lies. Please?

But obviously life is not all that miserable and there are moments when I do consider myself lucky, like when my 7 year old students fight about stuff like Water Dragons and if Dubai is a planet and make my day or when my 10 year old twin brothers do the unimaginable like, drawing a moustache on my face when I have had important meetings to attend. And i am grateful to God, that i have a well paying job however being a 21 year old from time to time I do feel frustrated and lazy and do not feel putting up with my dream of filmmaking, but then I remind myself that, me, doing filmmaking is a tribute to my deceased father, the man who taught me how to fix a VCR when I was 9, and who Russell Crowe was when I was 10. So here I am trying to live by what Steve Jobs once said, “Stay Hungry, and Stay Foolish!”  So yeah, My name is Aleena Mashhood, and i am a 21 year old, lazy, impulsive, sarcastic, lost, crazy, and ambitious filmmaker in the making..

Aleena M.

A big SIGH

Everyone's leaving, sigh.  My winters this year were not as eventful as the last. I guess that is the price when has to pay for being single and a sexist. :(

I decided to get rid of the bullshit and start anew. From page 1-a new beginning. I wont go in to the mere yaadi yaadi yaadas of the history of this blog. But it was special. Well atleast to me.

And a lot has happened since 2010 when i last started it. Well for starters, my university dilemma is solved. Life is not as bitter as it was. And the three jobs that i had, have been gladly left by me.And i try to live by YOLO theory now. Not that i did not live like that before-only then i did not give-uh how do i say this? A 'rat's sweet ass?

And i have decided to get rid of the annoymity as well. There's no use keeping my identity obscure, if people still fail to understand where i come from.And it's true. Ppl just dont bloody get it. So here i am, writing. Again.

Yes the lonlines does kill pretty much everything for me, but most of all it is my pessimism. My ability to criticize ppl to their bones. I hate it yet i love it. I don't know why i do it. But-i do it.